309 lines
18 KiB
HTML
309 lines
18 KiB
HTML
<!DOCTYPE html>
|
|
<html lang="en">
|
|
<head>
|
|
<meta charset="utf-8">
|
|
<title>Ember's Homepage - Gender</title>
|
|
<link rel="stylesheet" href="../style.css"/>
|
|
</head>
|
|
<body>
|
|
<div id="wrap">
|
|
<header><h1>What is gender?</h1></header>
|
|
<main>
|
|
<section>
|
|
<aside>
|
|
<h3> Warning </h3>
|
|
<p>
|
|
This is an article I wrote a while ago as a once off thing for
|
|
personal reasons. I never really meant for it to be read publicly,
|
|
and I'm really just using it as a sort of filler page. It's pretty
|
|
unedited, and might be rambly and nonsensical. Read at your own risk.
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>
|
|
If you don't want to keep reading, head
|
|
<a href="../">back to the homepage</a>
|
|
</p>
|
|
</aside>
|
|
<p>
|
|
This is the best effort of a trans enby to explain their experience
|
|
with gender to people who might not be familiar with nonbinary
|
|
identities at all.
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>
|
|
It's also an exploratory piece, an effort to make sense of the vague
|
|
and abstract concept that is gender, and maybe understand it a little
|
|
better by writing about it.
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>
|
|
And maybe it's also a philosophical piece, and an attempt to make
|
|
sense of the complicated world we live in, not just physically, but
|
|
mentally.
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>
|
|
I hope that this will be useful to people who want to learn not just
|
|
how they can respect nonbinary identities, but who want to understand
|
|
them. I also hope that it will still be an interesting exploration of
|
|
gender for those who already are familiar with it, and maybe are
|
|
nonbinary.
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>
|
|
This will discuss gender on a introspective level, and a lot of the
|
|
things attached to it, like specific biology, as well as gender roles
|
|
and misgendering. It's written to an audience of people who are not
|
|
nonbinary, and assumes that the reader is either a man or a woman and
|
|
sometimes addresses them as such.
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>
|
|
</section>
|
|
<section>
|
|
<h2>Step 1: Gender is not physical.</h2>
|
|
<p>
|
|
A lot of people think that gender is about something physical. Most
|
|
often, they think it's about what's between a person's legs. This is
|
|
definitely part of it, but it's certainly far from the whole thing.
|
|
Think about it: If you need to refer to someone you've never met, you
|
|
probably just throw a glance their way and say, "do you see that woman
|
|
over there", without needing to go up to her and ask what's between
|
|
her legs. Similarly, it's not just about what you wear or how you
|
|
act. A boy can wear a skirt and act feminine, but that doesn't make
|
|
him not a boy.
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>
|
|
There's something harder to pin down, and very personal about gender.
|
|
Calling someone a gender that they aren't is often seen as an insult
|
|
("what are you, a woman?!") in a way that isn't true about saying
|
|
someone has a hair color that they don't, or is a height that they
|
|
aren't. This would suggest that it's a very important part of
|
|
people's identity. But we've also worked out that it's not a
|
|
descriptor of anything physical. So what is it?
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>
|
|
I'm not going to be able to give a perfect answer, because this is
|
|
something that philosophers still talk about today, and will for a
|
|
very long time to come. But to give a working definition, gender is a
|
|
feeling about how you relate to specific, very fuzzy categories of
|
|
people.
|
|
</p>
|
|
</section>
|
|
<section>
|
|
<h2>Step 2: Gender isn't black and white.</h2>
|
|
<p>
|
|
Most people in most societies are introduced to two genders at birth:
|
|
boy and girl, man and woman, male and female. A lot of us feel
|
|
comfortable with one of these labels. Often, our bodies line up with
|
|
the stereotypical bodies for that group, and that's what everyone
|
|
tells us we are. As we come to identify with them, they also mold our
|
|
behavior. Boys might pick up on boy-ish behavior, because that's how
|
|
they see themselves portrayed and that's how many of their peers act.
|
|
Same goes for girls. And so it was that most people in the world end
|
|
up feeling pretty content either as a boy, or a girl.
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>
|
|
However, it's important to remember that nothing outside of math is
|
|
absolute, and nowhere is this more true than ambiguously defined
|
|
social structures. There's a million exceptions to this perfect
|
|
story, from people whose bodies don't perfectly line up with one of
|
|
the stereotypes, to people who accept the label but reject all the
|
|
"acceptable" norms for that group. Today we're just going to focus on
|
|
the people who were told that they were one thing when they were
|
|
young, but grew up to find that that's not what worked best for them.
|
|
Oftentimes, these people call themselves trans, or transgender.
|
|
We're going to zoom in even further though, to all the people who not
|
|
only found themselves unhappy with the label they were given when they
|
|
were young, but also felt that neither of these two labels fit their
|
|
experience all of the time. These people typically call themselves
|
|
nonbinary.
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>
|
|
What does that mean? How does that work? Well, because gender is so
|
|
personal, it's a little bit different for every person. There's some
|
|
people who just don't feel a connection to either of the two groups
|
|
(agender). Some people feel like they match well with one group some
|
|
of the times, and but match differently at another (genderfluid).
|
|
Others might feel a connection to both (bigender). Others still might
|
|
feel like a whole 'nother thing altogether (xenogenders). The list
|
|
goes on and on.
|
|
</p>
|
|
</section>
|
|
<section>
|
|
<h2>Step 3: Gender can't be measured.</h2>
|
|
<p>
|
|
It's important to remember that there's not a certain number of
|
|
genders, or even a spectrum of genders. Gender isn't something that
|
|
fits nicely into mathematical models. It's jagged and chaotic. It's
|
|
not a metric or a measurement, it's a story about something so
|
|
personal it could never be expressed completely through language. We
|
|
come up with words and labels that can describe bits and pieces of our
|
|
gender, but we could never completely express it.
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>
|
|
This is even true for you, and for everyone who only identifies with
|
|
the gender people told them they were when they were born. Ask
|
|
yourself, "how does it feel to be a man/woman?", "how do I know that's
|
|
what I am", and "what does it mean to be a man/woman to me?".
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>
|
|
I'll give you a second.
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>
|
|
No one is going to have the same answers to these questions, and it's
|
|
likely that, as you were trying to come up with an answer, you found a
|
|
feeling that you couldn't quite explain. You know that this is what
|
|
you are, but not because of anything about your body, or because of
|
|
how you act, but just, a feeling that it's right. That's your gender.
|
|
You could never put it in words, you could never compare it to someone
|
|
else's, you probably couldn't even say what it means, but that's okay.
|
|
You don't need to do any of those things, only know that it's yours,
|
|
and respect that others' will be different.
|
|
</p>
|
|
</section>
|
|
<section>
|
|
<h2>Step 4: Gender isn't something you have the answer to.</h2>
|
|
<p>
|
|
A lot of our first instincts with this is to try to come up with some
|
|
model or some other explanation that neatly wraps up gender into a
|
|
tidy package. You might even have one right now. Human brains really
|
|
don't like things that are as open and ambiguous as gender is.
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>
|
|
But I'd like to ask you to take whatever model of gender you have and
|
|
really test it. How does it handle people whose bodies don't fit the
|
|
norm? How does it handle people who don't act like the gender you say
|
|
they are? How does it handle people who might medically change
|
|
themselves, either by hormones, or surgery, to feel more like a
|
|
different gender? Can it explain why people who, by all observable
|
|
measures appear to be one gender, nevertheless feel so much like
|
|
another gender that they go through complicated, difficult, scary, and
|
|
sometimes dangerous means to better express themselves? Does it
|
|
explain why we associate certain non-biological things with certain
|
|
genders? Does it explain why we care so deeply about gender that
|
|
almost everything in our lives are touched by it?
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>
|
|
You get the idea. Don't get me wrong, I don't claim to have the
|
|
answer either. I've done a lot of talking in this document, and
|
|
there's still a million reasons why what I've discussed is a "good
|
|
enough" explanation at best. If you really want to chat about it
|
|
though, please reach out to me, I'm more than happy to talk about
|
|
gender any day.
|
|
</p>
|
|
</section>
|
|
<section>
|
|
<h2>Step 5: People are something you can respect.</h2>
|
|
<p>
|
|
I'd be elated if everyone who read this was convinced of the validity
|
|
of nonbinary identities, but a lot of people will just be confused,
|
|
and some more might even disagree completely. That's okay, and I
|
|
encourage you to find other resource people have made to help you
|
|
understand better. One person's perspective will never be enough to
|
|
gain a complete understanding. In fact, nothing will.
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>
|
|
But, if I've failed to explain to you why nonbinary identities exist,
|
|
I'd like to at least ask this of you: Respect when people say they
|
|
are nonbinary.
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>
|
|
If not because you believe them, then because you want to be nice. If
|
|
you go up to someone you know is nonbinary, and you actively reject
|
|
their gender, use the wrong name and pronouns, and tell them they
|
|
don't exist, I promise you this will hurt them at worst, and drive
|
|
them away from you at best. It won't "make them less confused", or
|
|
"remind them what they really are". But if you respect their name,
|
|
you ask for their pronouns and try your best to use them, you might
|
|
just make their day.
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>
|
|
This isn't an effort to take away your free speech. Nothing will stop
|
|
you from misgendering nonbinary people. But it is an effort to
|
|
encourage you not to be rude, and an effort to keep the people you
|
|
care about in your life.
|
|
</p>
|
|
</section>
|
|
<section>
|
|
<h2>Addendum: What can you do to support nonbinary people?</h2>
|
|
<p>
|
|
In brief, here's what you can do:
|
|
</p>
|
|
<ul>
|
|
<li>
|
|
Use the name that people give you, and don't ask for their
|
|
previous name
|
|
</li>
|
|
<li>
|
|
Ask for people's pronouns, even when you don't think you're
|
|
talking to someone whose nonbinary
|
|
</li>
|
|
<li>
|
|
Try to use people's pronouns when they give them to you, although
|
|
it's okay if you genuinely slip up.
|
|
</li>
|
|
<li>
|
|
Watch for gendered language that you use, and try to use language
|
|
that the person prefers. It's okay to check what's best with them
|
|
if you're not sure.
|
|
</li>
|
|
<li>
|
|
If someone asks you to make a small change to how you treat them,
|
|
try to humor it, even if it doesn't make sense to you. We all
|
|
experience gender differently, and that's undoubtedly true for the
|
|
two of you.
|
|
</li>
|
|
</ul>
|
|
</section>
|
|
<section>
|
|
<h2>Addendem: What are pronouns, and how do I use them?</h2>
|
|
<p>
|
|
Pronouns are short words we use in place of other words. This is
|
|
anything like, "it's", or "their", or "me", or "you". A lot of the
|
|
time when people say pronouns, though, they're referring to
|
|
third-person pronouns for people, like "he", "she", or "him". A lot
|
|
of these carry heavy gendered connotations, so some people rather that
|
|
certain pronouns are used for them.
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>
|
|
We often give pronouns two or three forms at a time, like
|
|
"he/him/his". If you're confused as to how to use a certain pronoun,
|
|
try starting with he/him/his, and then swapping it out for the pronoun
|
|
in the set that the person prefers.
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>
|
|
For example, if someone asks for "they/them/theirs" pronouns, start
|
|
with a pronoun set you understand, then find out what the pronouns
|
|
correspond to. Where you might normally use him, use them, because
|
|
him in he/him/his corresponds to them in they/them/theirs. This is
|
|
only a crutch to get you started though, so try to become familiar
|
|
with the words in context.
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>
|
|
People might also ask for pronoun sets you've never heard of, or have
|
|
never seen used for a singular human. A lot of the time, people do
|
|
this because they feel it better expresses their gender. This might
|
|
not make sense to you, but that's okay. Gender is uniquely
|
|
individual. Try your best to use the pronouns that they give you. If
|
|
you have difficulty, and you want to help make them feel more
|
|
comfortable, you can try practicing their pronouns by using their name
|
|
and pronouns together in your head. You can also get help with this
|
|
from websites like pronouns.is, which lists many different pronouns
|
|
that people use.
|
|
</p>
|
|
<p>
|
|
Most importantly, as long as you're trying your best and you respect
|
|
their gender, people will appreciate you, even if you slip up from
|
|
time to time. The fact that you've even read this far means that you
|
|
care, and people will appreciate that.
|
|
</p>
|
|
<span class="divider"></span>
|
|
<p>
|
|
Thank you for sticking with me through this. I appreciate it, and I
|
|
hope you feel a little more comfortable not just with the idea of
|
|
nonbinary genders, but with your own as well <3
|
|
</p>
|
|
</section>
|
|
</main>
|
|
<nav>
|
|
<a href="..">Back to homepage</a>
|
|
</nav>
|
|
</div>
|
|
</body>
|
|
</html>
|