309 lines
18 KiB
HTML
309 lines
18 KiB
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<!DOCTYPE html>
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<html lang="en">
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<head>
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<meta charset="utf-8">
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<title>Emi's Homepage - Gender</title>
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<link rel="stylesheet" href="../style.css"/>
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</head>
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<body>
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<div id="wrap">
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<header><h1>What is gender?</h1></header>
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<main>
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<section>
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<aside>
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<h3> Warning </h3>
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<p>
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This is an article I wrote a while ago as a once off thing for
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personal reasons. I never really meant for it to be read publicly,
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and I'm really just using it as a sort of filler page. It's pretty
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unedited, and might be rambly and nonsensical. Read at your own risk.
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</p>
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<p>
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If you don't want to keep reading, head
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<a href="../">back to the homepage</a>
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</p>
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</aside>
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<p>
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This is the best effort of a trans enby to explain their experience
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with gender to people who might not be familiar with nonbinary
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identities at all.
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</p>
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<p>
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It's also an exploratory piece, an effort to make sense of the vague
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and abstract concept that is gender, and maybe understand it a little
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better by writing about it.
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</p>
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<p>
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And maybe it's also a philosophical piece, and an attempt to make
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sense of the complicated world we live in, not just physically, but
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mentally.
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</p>
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<p>
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I hope that this will be useful to people who want to learn not just
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how they can respect nonbinary identities, but who want to understand
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them. I also hope that it will still be an interesting exploration of
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gender for those who already are familiar with it, and maybe are
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nonbinary.
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</p>
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<p>
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This will discuss gender on a introspective level, and a lot of the
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things attached to it, like specific biology, as well as gender roles
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and misgendering. It's written to an audience of people who are not
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nonbinary, and assumes that the reader is either a man or a woman and
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sometimes addresses them as such.
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</p>
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<p>
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</section>
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<section>
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<h2>Step 1: Gender is not physical.</h2>
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<p>
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A lot of people think that gender is about something physical. Most
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often, they think it's about what's between a person's legs. This is
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definitely part of it, but it's certainly far from the whole thing.
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Think about it: If you need to refer to someone you've never met, you
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probably just throw a glance their way and say, "do you see that woman
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over there", without needing to go up to her and ask what's between
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her legs. Similarly, it's not just about what you wear or how you
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act. A boy can wear a skirt and act feminine, but that doesn't make
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him not a boy.
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</p>
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<p>
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There's something harder to pin down, and very personal about gender.
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Calling someone a gender that they aren't is often seen as an insult
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("what are you, a woman?!") in a way that isn't true about saying
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someone has a hair color that they don't, or is a height that they
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aren't. This would suggest that it's a very important part of
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people's identity. But we've also worked out that it's not a
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descriptor of anything physical. So what is it?
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</p>
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<p>
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I'm not going to be able to give a perfect answer, because this is
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something that philosophers still talk about today, and will for a
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very long time to come. But to give a working definition, gender is a
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feeling about how you relate to specific, very fuzzy categories of
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people.
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</p>
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</section>
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<section>
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<h2>Step 2: Gender isn't black and white.</h2>
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<p>
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Most people in most societies are introduced to two genders at birth:
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boy and girl, man and woman, male and female. A lot of us feel
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comfortable with one of these labels. Often, our bodies line up with
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the stereotypical bodies for that group, and that's what everyone
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tells us we are. As we come to identify with them, they also mold our
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behavior. Boys might pick up on boy-ish behavior, because that's how
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they see themselves portrayed and that's how many of their peers act.
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Same goes for girls. And so it was that most people in the world end
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up feeling pretty content either as a boy, or a girl.
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</p>
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<p>
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However, it's important to remember that nothing outside of math is
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absolute, and nowhere is this more true than ambiguously defined
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social structures. There's a million exceptions to this perfect
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story, from people whose bodies don't perfectly line up with one of
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the stereotypes, to people who accept the label but reject all the
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"acceptable" norms for that group. Today we're just going to focus on
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the people who were told that they were one thing when they were
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young, but grew up to find that that's not what worked best for them.
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Oftentimes, these people call themselves trans, or transgender.
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We're going to zoom in even further though, to all the people who not
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only found themselves unhappy with the label they were given when they
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were young, but also felt that neither of these two labels fit their
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experience all of the time. These people typically call themselves
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nonbinary.
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</p>
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<p>
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What does that mean? How does that work? Well, because gender is so
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personal, it's a little bit different for every person. There's some
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people who just don't feel a connection to either of the two groups
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(agender). Some people feel like they match well with one group some
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of the times, and but match differently at another (genderfluid).
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Others might feel a connection to both (bigender). Others still might
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feel like a whole 'nother thing altogether (xenogenders). The list
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goes on and on.
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</p>
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</section>
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<section>
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<h2>Step 3: Gender can't be measured.</h2>
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<p>
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It's important to remember that there's not a certain number of
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genders, or even a spectrum of genders. Gender isn't something that
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fits nicely into mathematical models. It's jagged and chaotic. It's
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not a metric or a measurement, it's a story about something so
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personal it could never be expressed completely through language. We
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come up with words and labels that can describe bits and pieces of our
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gender, but we could never completely express it.
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</p>
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<p>
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This is even true for you, and for everyone who only identifies with
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the gender people told them they were when they were born. Ask
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yourself, "how does it feel to be a man/woman?", "how do I know that's
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what I am", and "what does it mean to be a man/woman to me?".
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</p>
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<p>
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I'll give you a second.
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</p>
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<p>
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No one is going to have the same answers to these questions, and it's
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likely that, as you were trying to come up with an answer, you found a
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feeling that you couldn't quite explain. You know that this is what
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you are, but not because of anything about your body, or because of
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how you act, but just, a feeling that it's right. That's your gender.
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You could never put it in words, you could never compare it to someone
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else's, you probably couldn't even say what it means, but that's okay.
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You don't need to do any of those things, only know that it's yours,
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and respect that others' will be different.
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</p>
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</section>
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<section>
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<h2>Step 4: Gender isn't something you have the answer to.</h2>
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<p>
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A lot of our first instincts with this is to try to come up with some
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model or some other explanation that neatly wraps up gender into a
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tidy package. You might even have one right now. Human brains really
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don't like things that are as open and ambiguous as gender is.
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</p>
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<p>
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But I'd like to ask you to take whatever model of gender you have and
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really test it. How does it handle people whose bodies don't fit the
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norm? How does it handle people who don't act like the gender you say
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they are? How does it handle people who might medically change
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themselves, either by hormones, or surgery, to feel more like a
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different gender? Can it explain why people who, by all observable
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measures appear to be one gender, nevertheless feel so much like
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another gender that they go through complicated, difficult, scary, and
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sometimes dangerous means to better express themselves? Does it
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explain why we associate certain non-biological things with certain
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genders? Does it explain why we care so deeply about gender that
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almost everything in our lives are touched by it?
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</p>
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<p>
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You get the idea. Don't get me wrong, I don't claim to have the
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answer either. I've done a lot of talking in this document, and
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there's still a million reasons why what I've discussed is a "good
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enough" explanation at best. If you really want to chat about it
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though, please reach out to me, I'm more than happy to talk about
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gender any day.
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</p>
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</section>
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<section>
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<h2>Step 5: People are something you can respect.</h2>
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<p>
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I'd be elated if everyone who read this was convinced of the validity
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of nonbinary identities, but a lot of people will just be confused,
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and some more might even disagree completely. That's okay, and I
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encourage you to find other resource people have made to help you
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understand better. One person's perspective will never be enough to
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gain a complete understanding. In fact, nothing will.
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</p>
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<p>
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But, if I've failed to explain to you why nonbinary identities exist,
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I'd like to at least ask this of you: Respect when people say they
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are nonbinary.
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</p>
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<p>
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If not because you believe them, then because you want to be nice. If
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you go up to someone you know is nonbinary, and you actively reject
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their gender, use the wrong name and pronouns, and tell them they
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don't exist, I promise you this will hurt them at worst, and drive
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them away from you at best. It won't "make them less confused", or
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"remind them what they really are". But if you respect their name,
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you ask for their pronouns and try your best to use them, you might
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just make their day.
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</p>
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<p>
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This isn't an effort to take away your free speech. Nothing will stop
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you from misgendering nonbinary people. But it is an effort to
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encourage you not to be rude, and an effort to keep the people you
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care about in your life.
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</p>
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</section>
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<section>
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<h2>Addendum: What can you do to support nonbinary people?</h2>
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<p>
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In brief, here's what you can do:
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</p>
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<ul>
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<li>
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Use the name that people give you, and don't ask for their
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previous name
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</li>
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<li>
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Ask for people's pronouns, even when you don't think you're
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talking to someone whose nonbinary
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</li>
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<li>
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Try to use people's pronouns when they give them to you, although
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it's okay if you genuinely slip up.
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</li>
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<li>
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Watch for gendered language that you use, and try to use language
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that the person prefers. It's okay to check what's best with them
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if you're not sure.
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</li>
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<li>
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If someone asks you to make a small change to how you treat them,
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try to humor it, even if it doesn't make sense to you. We all
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experience gender differently, and that's undoubtedly true for the
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two of you.
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</li>
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</ul>
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</section>
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<section>
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<h2>Addendem: What are pronouns, and how do I use them?</h2>
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<p>
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Pronouns are short words we use in place of other words. This is
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anything like, "it's", or "their", or "me", or "you". A lot of the
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time when people say pronouns, though, they're referring to
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third-person pronouns for people, like "he", "she", or "him". A lot
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of these carry heavy gendered connotations, so some people rather that
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certain pronouns are used for them.
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</p>
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<p>
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We often give pronouns two or three forms at a time, like
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"he/him/his". If you're confused as to how to use a certain pronoun,
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try starting with he/him/his, and then swapping it out for the pronoun
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in the set that the person prefers.
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</p>
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<p>
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For example, if someone asks for "they/them/theirs" pronouns, start
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with a pronoun set you understand, then find out what the pronouns
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correspond to. Where you might normally use him, use them, because
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him in he/him/his corresponds to them in they/them/theirs. This is
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only a crutch to get you started though, so try to become familiar
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with the words in context.
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</p>
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<p>
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People might also ask for pronoun sets you've never heard of, or have
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never seen used for a singular human. A lot of the time, people do
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this because they feel it better expresses their gender. This might
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not make sense to you, but that's okay. Gender is uniquely
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individual. Try your best to use the pronouns that they give you. If
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you have difficulty, and you want to help make them feel more
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comfortable, you can try practicing their pronouns by using their name
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and pronouns together in your head. You can also get help with this
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from websites like pronouns.is, which lists many different pronouns
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that people use.
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</p>
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<p>
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Most importantly, as long as you're trying your best and you respect
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their gender, people will appreciate you, even if you slip up from
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time to time. The fact that you've even read this far means that you
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care, and people will appreciate that.
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</p>
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<span class="divider"></span>
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<p>
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Thank you for sticking with me through this. I appreciate it, and I
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hope you feel a little more comfortable not just with the idea of
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nonbinary genders, but with your own as well <3
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</p>
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</section>
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</main>
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<nav>
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<a href="..">Back to homepage</a>
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</nav>
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</div>
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</body>
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</html>
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